Out to lunch

You’ll just have to excuse me for being distant. My thoughts aren’t quite refined enough lately for effective communication. On the surface I’ve been quite busy with trivial daily things, but underneath I am exactly where I feel most comfortable… Dancing with my demons on the edge of this beautiful abyss.

Hope

Its natural purpose is not as a weapon or a tool. It’s supposed to show the light… a timeless and powerful force with the ability to sooth or torment a mind.
With no regard to anything other than your comfort you crafted this sweet drug from your own fears and insecurities. You pumped it into my veins, giving me just enough to keep me wanting…wondering what could be.
With your apologies and promises you kept it alive, because without it you knew I would surely move on. And with that simple action, the little bit of hope I gave you, would also be gone.

No rhyme or reason; Just Words

These words I use begin their life as mine.
They share a common foundation with the ones you know, but are uniquely my own.
I send these words in the form of a string, just for you.
Traveling across the distance, they find your unconscious thoughts.
No longer belonging to me, my words are transformed by the reflections of all that you have seen, and come to know.
They have become your words now…wrapped around a thought of which I have no control.

Burning

I cupped my hands around my heart and sheltered it from the wind as I handed you the match.
With nothing but the moment on our mind, we lit a fire that day.
This fire has grown to be an awesome creature, an entity of its own.
Its burning hot and fast, not a moment goes by that I can’t feel it.
The heat makes me move, like I’m trying to keep up.
There is only one problem with this creation of ours…
It needs you to feed it before it fades away.

A note to you,

I wish you could see the world through my eyes. Maybe then you could understand. My vision is constantly clouded by the shadows of the ghosts and demons left over from my past. I have a hard time focusing through the mist, and I can still feel the pain. I feel guilty for attracting these things, for letting them get such a hold on me. I am shameful of the fact that I held on to impossible dreams for so long, and because I alone don’t have the strength to let it all go. I tell myself that I am better off alone, and I can’t be hurt that way. I wear this hard shell of a man for you to see, and to protect myself from the unknown. I have been telling myself that I am strong and I will make it through each day without letting anyone in. I am beginning to realize that I won’t be able to do it alone. This clouded vision causes me to see things that are not real. Everything gets all twisted and distorted in my mind, and eventually it all looks like danger.
Come to think of it, I really don’t wish that you could see the world through my eyes. What I really wish, is for you to be strong enough to take my hand, wipe my tears, and help me find a way through this.
I have never asked anyone for help like this, and would not blame you for walking away.

Faithfully yours,

Me

Sweet discovery

Heart pounding, hammering its way out of my chest.
Excitement, exhilaration, and paralyzing fear are the cause of this amazing sensation.
My very soul…bent on self preservation…wants to run, but I don’t seem to be in control.
I will stay as a participant, and a witness, to this transformational progression.
I will try to push the pain aside for you, with the hope of building something together.

Ropes

These ropes that bind me…tied by my own hand.
The pain and guilt mix neatly with my broken flesh.
I’m holding the knot, refusing to let it slip.
Comfortable and numb, my will is fixed on continuing this course.
With my words I scream “LET ME GO!”
But my own actions created this purgatory… and would just do it again.

Silent Wake

The silence left in your wake cuts through my flesh like an old rusty razor blade. Exposing these wounded veins that just won’t seem to heal. I try to convince myself that you meant no harm, and that I will be stronger in the end. I try to prove to myself that this pain isn’t real. I should pray for you to let me go, but I’m scared of being without those fleeting moments of joy I felt in your presence. I fear that without you, that blade might as well be real.

The edge

She slowly steps to the edge with a broken heart. Her will is divided by this choice. She has been living in a sheltered world lately, but her soul is screaming to move on. Could she ever love another, or is she doomed to spend the rest of her days in the past? Is it possible for another to love her, with such a large part of her heart missing? She knows that it’s only a small step…but it sure feels like the edge of a cliff.

Paralysis

Thoughts of the unknown sabotage the events that could be. My state of mind is in constant flux. The peace I know is possible is overtaken by the paralysis I feel. Control… or lack of it is the reason I wander from one emotion to another. Submission is just not an option with so much locked inside. Walking away may be the best thing. At least I know it would be easier than chasing an already failed dream.

Running

Recklessly running into the unknown, that’s the only way I have to get there.

Trying to feel my way, but moving much too fast.

Chasing desire with no regard to safety, no plan, no map.

Heart pounding with every step, only an occasional pause, then feeling as if it might not ever beat again.

Truth clouded by a primal craving, consequence doesn’t matter now.

There’s just no other way…Recklessly, running into the unknown.

No more fear

I say no to fear. I will not listen to those thoughts that came in the dark. I will not bend to the will of those negative emotions. I will not conform.
I will stand on my own two feet, just as I always have. I am standing now…defiant, aggressive, rebellious, and bold. I will make my way. I will have my way.

Fear

Confined in this prison, the one I created. Pictures of the life I would like to have floating around in my head.
I did not intend to be here this long, only for a little while. The silence that was so comforting in the beginning is now ringing in my ears. The darkness has become all encompassing.
These moments make me second guess my new world view. Lately I’ve been trying to escape these walls, but now there’s a new jailer, one I did not expect. His name is fear, and he shadows all of my conflicting thoughts. How do I defeat him, am I prepared?
My will is scattered with no direction. My focus, once sharp, is somehow wandering. Have I traveled so far down the wrong road?
Just when I think the worst is behind me, a light flickers up ahead. In its glow I can see a new page turning.
It’s blank, and waiting on me.

Holding on

I’ve been holding on to this pain for a long time.

The wounds have scabbed over, trapping the injury inside.

For some reason I reached out with both hands and pulled it in close.

Now I’m afraid to let it go.

Somehow it’s a comfort, and a burden.

I don’t expect you to understand.

I should want to be normal again.

I want to be happy.

I just don’t want to be Me.

The River

He told me as a child that I could find all of the answers there, so I stood at the edge of the river for most of the morning. After hours of agony, and desperation I decided to take off my shoes and stepped into the cold, running water.
A revelation washed over me as the river accepted my intrusion without resistance. Within just a few moments, I felt like I was with an old friend. There were no judgments, secrets, or lies. There was no importance placed on the past, or the future. We were completely connected in that moment, the river and I, and have been for every moment since.
It’s as if I had no choice but to make that feeling a part of me. It turned into one of those vital connections that hold you together. You see, the last thing the river showed me was the fact that we were never going to be the same again. A tear lingered in my eye as I stepped onto the bank to dry off. The water I had been standing in had already been replaced with new, just as my heart had continued to beat once we were apart.I often think of that experience, and of the many names it takes.